Hellllooo~~

I've been back about a week and a half from my trip to Hong Kong and China! I was really on a sewing kick before I left.. but now I'm really scared to start because because what if I somehow lost all my skills :cry: and perfection doesn't happen :cry: :cry:

Man, logic doesn't wanna logic does it ; D

I kinda wanted to use this post to reflect back on 2025. It was a really difficult year for me personally. I lost so many of my friends and a bf too. And it felt like no one loved me and I had no reason to live. It's just so terrifying.. coming home every day and no one is there. It's not just a matter of silence in the home. But what if I lost my job? I am completely on my own too. In the literal and practical sense, it is scary. But also mentally.. everyone wants to be able to depend on someone to some extent, right? (Whether they believe it or not).

I lost everyone I used to hang out with on the weekends too. It took a lot of work to build a new network of friends.

People can be so damaging to others' mental health without really knowing..

It is a really painful thought when you think about whether anyone would care if you were alive or not :(

There were so many days I cried and starved myself because it didn't feel like it mattered what happened to me.

I'm much stronger now, but I don't know if I can say happier. Maybe though? I kinda have a new date I really like ^^ We'll see how it goes. That's not to say my happiness depends on him (that would be unhealthy), but being single (and looking) for so long really wears you down too. I just feel so undesirable and unwanted.

The good thing about my new date is he likes to feel useful whereas I like to be taken care of lol. So that is a good attachment style ^^

I feel like I heard this advice a lot in the past that I need to be happy with being alone.. before dating, but it seems so unfair to make someone unnecessarily suffer. Humans aren't mean to be alone.

I don't think I will ever love myself. I am simply aiming to just be "okay" with myself. Like I'm not that cute... my personality isn't very spectacular. I'm just trying my best. There were many times in the past I was misunderstood, but all I can do is try my best after my mistakes ^^

All these years of mental health issues and I feel like I've completely missed my potential and can barely spend every day surviving ; D so stuff like sewing and being productive is just hard..

˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞. Necronomidol - RITUAL ˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞.

I went on a two week vacation to Hong Kong and China ^^, it was a lot of fun! I visited my family and bought some clothing and fabric.

I might post about it another time, now I want to share that I went to Isiliel's show! Her name is Himari, Isiliel is described as a metal idol project.

Since red is Isiliel’s signature color, I opted to wear it. She also wears black too, but that is not suited for me so I wore pink instead :joy: :sweat:

*Dress: Baby the Stars Shine Bright
*Blouse: Bodyline (lol)
*Headbow, Socks, Jacket: Innocent World


The live was in San Francisco, it was a really cold, gloomy night! It was a venue called Neck of the Woods ^^ They have 2 floors, there were regular bands playing on the ground floor and BarCon which Himari was part of took place on the second floor.
A quick yakuniku dinner ^^ before it was time for VIP to go in. My buds that went in had VIP so they got to go 30 minutes earlier with a lot of merchandise goodies and they got to meet Himari. I was too cheap to shell out for that :sweat: I think it was a minimum 11,000 yen. The ticket for the concert was only $15.

We headed back to Neck of the Woods venue then! I was happy to see Himari’s poster ^^ <33333

This is how the line looked at the venue.

I was first person in line that wasn’t VIP so I got to go in first after VIP and saw that Himari was still lingering after talking to the VIP so I got to say hi hehe and I gave her a gift I made her! ^^ I had been to her live show twice, but she already remembered me by name after the first time! She said my miffy scarf was so cute and that she has the black one LOL we could be matching!

Oh a note that you will see is somewhat related soon, I got an insta360 camera, but not really sure if I will keep it tho >< but it’s been heavily decorated already :sweat: I was prepared to take pictures of this live! But I didn’t realize it had two battery bars and think I only charged one to the max and it ran out of battery quickly haha ><

I took this selfie with just my arm cos it’s so wide angle!!! I love it for these kind of pictures, but I hoped it would work well with coordinate pictures too because the camera has a flip screen.. But I think it shows too much for coordinate pictures ><

Opening acts were
Limina
and Eririn
And then it was time for Himari’s live hehe, she looked me in the eyes a lot!! She really improved a lot since I last saw her.

After the live show, we took a selfie together teehee~~

I'm the only one not wearing black LOL

I also paid $30 for 2 signed polaroids~~ She remembered how to spell my name except the E at the end lol (uh I think I forgot to mention she is Japanese lol)

My friend also took a phone of us on his cellphone~

˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞. Isiliel - Lilith ˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞.

Have a song by Isiliel~ Enjoy!