really struggling mentally now~~

I went to Carmel over the 3 day weekend. Scarlett and I picked up a friend in Gilroy.

Kitkat doesn't know how to take pictures, I guess. Or he is admiring the Gilroy real estate and dreams of living there one day.

I'm wearing Mary Magdalene's Angelica OP in mint and a cardigan in pink (the name escapes me). Also wearing a Saint Claire headdress replica made by Apple in mint.

I'm feeling very sad again lately and unseen.

I feel so unloveable.

Have some pictures from my trip, I guess. I would like to write more, but I think I would just write about what a terrible person I am.

Some photos were from my digital camera. Can you tell which? ^^

˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞. Fin.K.L - To My Boyfriend 내 남자 친구에게˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞.

I miss old Kpop, maybe I should learn the dance to this lololol. I like how the beginning is like the old sticker picture machines ^^ they also up'ed the saturation of the video so intensely that they lost the noses! This song is from 1998, I heard it around the time it came out ^^ This is the stupid shit I grew up on..but I really miss those times.

Apple Music was recommending music to and I noticed one called "Dive". Which reminded me of the BeForU song called "Dive" which sent me on a whirlwind of nostalgia. BeForU isn't found on Apple Music :(

I really liked them a lot back in the day because when I went to the arcade in high school, I'd often play their songs on the "Dance Dance Revolution" machines (a dancing rhythm game). I was never good at this game. I could play the Standard level at best.

I also didn't have an allowance from my parents or the means to get a job (at least one that required driving) so I didn't actually spend much money at the arcade >< But I loved hearing BeForU songs still. I still feel like DDR music = BeForU.

Nowadays when I end up at the arcade, I don't see BeForU anymore.. crycry. It makes me feel old, but I guess high school was 20 years ago at this point lmao. Which reminds me the 20th high school reunion is probably coming up (wtfffff~)

I recently reconnected with a high school friend. And we brought that up. I did not go to the 10 year high school reunion because I was so ashamed of who I was. So shy and unlikeable (that's what I presumed because I was too scared to socialize). As time went on, I became more comfortable expressing myself. And now I don't mind showing who I am to the world. Fortunately, people actually like me more now... and I am proud of who I am.

Now I am confident enough to do silly shit like make stickers of myself and give them out to friends <3

Back to this friend again.. Let's call her Elderberry Syrup! She also used to make HTML websites too. So we started to reminisce about the days when people seemed to channel their creativity into making cool websites.

I feel like Apple led the change in making everything sterile and boring (sorry, I guess I'm not getting an interview).

People seem to channel their creativity into finding ways to get likes on social media now which I find really boring.

I miss how slow and mundane blogs are. Describing things thoroughly in the moment. It's not being flashy af for a like.

There was a podcast I recently listened to called the "Anthropocene Reviewed"... the author talks about the most mundane topics thoroughly and jumps from thought to thought.. I love it.

I wish we could return to a time where things were more slow paced. I feel like that's partly one reason I like lolita. The style feels timeless. I know it might seem like stupid anime dresses, but honestly I still have the same dresses from 10 years ago and wear them pretty similarly. I hate fast fashion and trends like L4b00 L4B00 (I refuse to make this word google-able on my blog lol) because it's just another thing that fills the landfill in a couple of years time..and for what reason? I don't get it.

In my family, I'm the odd one that's known as "old fashioned". Like I like buying used furniture. Whereas as the rest of my family is the type to change things up every so often.

I've noticed that's quite common with Chinese. Why would you use people's old chairs?! But things used to be built with a lot more attention to detail and not just mass manufactured in a sweat shop..

I love my real wood furniture, not particle board stuff that just follows the latest trend.

Sorry to end this so judgmentally. Lolita really taught me a lot.. to be more appreciative of how things were and are.

˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞. BeForU - Graduation ˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞.

This song kind of feels appropriate.. it was a popular "slow" DDR song to play. I guess I'm "graduated" and have become more mature since high school and can go to my reunion confidently.

Like I was thinking it's kinda embarrassing I'm divorced, but maybe I'll reconnect with someone that is single hahahahaha (jk I like my date so much <3333)

p.s. sorry for wall of text

p.p.s. *insert old man yells at cloud meme*