Striving For Perfection

08 Dec 2025 - strawberryjam

Hellllooo~~

I've been back about a week and a half from my trip to Hong Kong and China! I was really on a sewing kick before I left.. but now I'm really scared to start because because what if I somehow lost all my skills :cry: and perfection doesn't happen :cry: :cry:

Man, logic doesn't wanna logic does it ; D

I kinda wanted to use this post to reflect back on 2025. It was a really difficult year for me personally. I lost so many of my friends and a bf too. And it felt like no one loved me and I had no reason to live. It's just so terrifying.. coming home every day and no one is there. It's not just a matter of silence in the home. But what if I lost my job? I am completely on my own too. In the literal and practical sense, it is scary. But also mentally.. everyone wants to be able to depend on someone to some extent, right? (Whether they believe it or not).

I lost everyone I used to hang out with on the weekends too. It took a lot of work to build a new network of friends.

People can be so damaging to others' mental health without really knowing..

It is a really painful thought when you think about whether anyone would care if you were alive or not :(

There were so many days I cried and starved myself because it didn't feel like it mattered what happened to me.

I'm much stronger now, but I don't know if I can say happier. Maybe though? I kinda have a new date I really like ^^ We'll see how it goes. That's not to say my happiness depends on him (that would be unhealthy), but being single (and looking) for so long really wears you down too. I just feel so undesirable and unwanted.

The good thing about my new date is he likes to feel useful whereas I like to be taken care of lol. So that is a good attachment style ^^

I feel like I heard this advice a lot in the past that I need to be happy with being alone.. before dating, but it seems so unfair to make someone unnecessarily suffer. Humans aren't mean to be alone.

I don't think I will ever love myself. I am simply aiming to just be "okay" with myself. Like I'm not that cute... my personality isn't very spectacular. I'm just trying my best. There were many times in the past I was misunderstood, but all I can do is try my best after my mistakes ^^

All these years of mental health issues and I feel like I've completely missed my potential and can barely spend every day surviving ; D so stuff like sewing and being productive is just hard..

˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞. Necronomidol - RITUAL ˖ ݁♬⋆.˚𝄞.

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